Sexual Past – Does it Bother You or Your Partner?

5 months ago AuthorJasonOrtiz 0

Let’s be honest, this topic bothers some and some just do not care that much to let this bother them. Some people aren’t comfortable with the fact that someone else has had their way sexually with the person they have feelings for. This very thought is not only uncomfortable for some but also imposes irrational thought. For some reason, this impacts males more so than females.

Ladies, do you have a sexual history that’s filled with lots of experience? Have you been less than willing to be honest to your partner about this? The reality is, you aren’t expected to go around blasting it on a billboard but if it is something you want to share, then he must accept you in totality.

It is abusive to allow someone to throw your past in your face or hold it against you for any measure. If it’s ancient history, something from your past life, let it stay there, and move on. If he chose to be with you, then he needs to maturely accept you for all that you are.  And that means every part of you.

Now, let’s be clear, accepting that your sexual past may be extensive is one thing, trying to force him to like it is another. However, it can’t be brought up and used as a means of disrespect in either way. It’s completely unfair for him to want to date you and then start knit-picking about details from your past. You shouldn’t accept having your past brought up against you and you shouldn’t use your sexual experience as a tool to demean him if he hasn’t experienced the same things.

If he’s constantly bringing up your past after you told him this is something you did not want or like, tell him straight up that he’s going to have to accept everything about you if he wants to continue to date you. Let him know he has two simple choices.

He can:

a) Break up with you… or

b) You two stay together… but he is forbidden to ever mention your sexual past ever again. Never. Not even when you two are fighting and he used anger as an excuse.

We are ever growing and ever learning, and our sexual past is a part of that process as well. Life isn’t about everything else can be learned from except sex, it doesn’t work that way. Our sexual past is as much an educational tool about ourselves and others as the rest of life is.

For those that are jealous or uncomfortable about your partner’s past, this next part is for you.

The first thing you need to do is understand that the root cause of your sexual jealousy or discomfort about your partners past is mainly an ego thing.

That feeling of you struggling to get over your partner’s past is really deeply rooted in your ego. Whenever you deal with fear, jealousy, judgement and negative emotions in that realm, in some manner its roots in something that’s been hardwired into us since the beginning of time in our ego.

Originally, our egos were designed to protect us from wild animals, tribe members, things that can kill us, even dangerous weather conditions and it did so by heightening those fear responses we have in the brain. That has changed through the course of time and that has to do with how society has manipulated, and brain washed us. It has told us things about sexual nature that we were imposed to believe. So now, from once a survival tool, our ego is now faced with a fictional threat of our partner’s extensive sexual past. Do you see how foolish this is? It is at a point that when the ego kicks in, it has men doubting their ability to trust the woman, no matter how much they liked them. They allowed their ego to question the woman’s ability to be loyal or to be trusted and maybe she is too charitable sexually to be taken seriously. These are the damaging thoughts that the ego will push and impose on insecure and weaker men.

One’s ego will not differentiate the difference from today and yesterday because it has allowed fear to push forward irrational thoughts. It looks at your partner’s past as a threat, instead of what it is, your partner’s life BEFORE YOU.

So, let’s work on some ways to get past this. First, try to see things from her perspective. How can you do this? Well, try thinking about a casual hook-up you may have had, a one-night stand, a short-term sexual relationship, even an oral hook-up, anything. Do you hate yourself for them? Do you feel you should not be able to date others, or someone should commit to you because of them? See how foolish this can be?

Now think about an ex-girlfriend that you may have taken more seriously. Someone you were in a serious relationship with. Think about  this person and your relationship with them at the time. Were they great looking? Did they have a good sense of humor like? What was the sex life like? What do you think of them as an overall person? Once you’re able to do this, answer the following questions:

  1. How often do you think about this ex lover?
    1. All the time
    1. Once in a blue moon
    1. I hadn’t until you asked me
  2. What role does this relationship or sexual relationship play in your life now?
  3. Does the fact you once enjoyed having casual sex or loving another woman in the past mean you’re unable to commit to someone else in the present?
  4. Is this ex-lover more important to you than your current girlfriend is today?

Now, if your answers are something like this:

  1.  iii or ii
  2. It doesn’t really play a role in my life now
  3. Absolutely not
  4. No way?

Then it shouldn’t be a surprise to you that your partner probably feels the same way about their exes or casual hook-ups. It is in the past and more than likely has no power over them whatsoever and you shouldn’t allow it to have power over you or your decisions.

Now, I am not suggesting in any manner that you totally disregard it in totality because maybe for you, your past still has an emotional lingering and that could make sense to you that she might as well. That is a different situation that needs serious communicative engagement and some honest decision making.

For many of us, our sexual past is a part of our self-development, our maturing and helped make us who we are today. That does not mean you are the same exact person you were when you slept with your ex and you shouldn’t assume your partner is either.

Two more things you must NOT do when it comes to your partners past sex life and that is quiz them on it. Stop asking questions that you are not prepared to hear answers to. Do not attach her sexual pleasures to a face but instead if you are curious as to what makes her sexually happy, ask her that without asking what she did with her exes. See the difference?

The other thing is to stop playing detective on someone’s sexual past. You do not want to find the face to her sexual adventures or the location. You do not need to investigate their social media or invade their privacy. We are creatures of habit and the moment you allow this to become a part of your activity, you will find it harder and harder to be in a trusting and loving relationship.

Something else you can consider if your partners past sex life bothers you is to work on your self-confidence. If you are honest with yourself and you are jealous or insecure of her past and how you may match up, you may want to work on that. Those insecurities tend to lead to you thinking those men are better than you or that you are just not good enough. These are things you must work on.

You probably think these guys had something special, but it isn’t often the case. Many times, people have sex because they feel lonely, their need a confidence booster, they could have been intoxicated, they were manipulated to thinking they were cared for, or they are in an experimental stage of life. There could be so many other reasons, but you can’t just assume the reason is being that other men are better than you. That is one way to destroy yourself.

If you really like your partner and have seen the potential, do not let the past ruin that. Elevate yourself.